Ups and Downs

More downs than ups… Im on a way to damage myself completely. I am concerned that i cant control myself anymore. I need to control myself. For the first time since i changed job i have lost it. I keep trying to understand the why i cant be myself and the only reason i get to is that i need so much the control over my life… The fact that i do not have it at the moment is taking me through a path that i dont know if i will be able to come back… I am worried that i can fuck up big style this time. I have accepted that isnt anything related to breaking up (despite not helping), but the fact that i need control. I have tried everything that i could remember to help me. Been seeing friends, went to smoke a joint to help me switch off, but ive still lost it today. Not big style like before, but i lost it. I dont want that. I just want to be in control of my life. Its easy to choose the easy path of getting drunk or drugs to switch off, but ive never needed that before,and i refuse to do that now. Today for the first time ive meditated following some instructions online. Tomorrow i will carry on trying. If i dont try i dont know. I dont believe in these things but might as well give it a try. The fact is that i felt vulnerable and calm while doing it. Im shutting down everyone in my life at the moment despite trying to talk with friends and family and i cant allow myself to do that. I though i was stronger than this… Am i finding my limits? Am i finding that im not made of steel like i thought? Is this the result of so many years being strong for no reason? Is this the payback? I really dont know what to do anymore…. Lets see tomorrow what happens and if by the end of the day i feel that the result is the same i will start looking for another job. Dont want to disappoint someone that betted on me, and because of external problems that i cant deal with, thats exactly whats happening…. New day, new hope…